A note to self


Recalling the days you’ve cried alone in the dark !
Slowly that became a routine.
Sadness being a part of you, pillows inflamed into a tear absorbent.
That smiling face faded into a passive aggressive emotionless mold.
You’ve finally started talking and finding life in small materialised forms around you.
Why is it soo difficult to step out of things which thrashed you down ?
Which later kills your soul, makes you weep in silence, Aspects of living that Drains your energy and makes you feel worthless.
May it be love, profession , behaviours , wealth, attachments or simple act of caring for others .
After all relationships break! Work collapses ! People fade and slowly move away,
Gratitude is just a word and priority is another noun.
you’re being taken for granted,physically emotionally and socially being used and you’re exhausted in and out.
But still you haven’t thought of changing yourself you’re still a good egg in this uncertain and fastly evolving world.
It took so many years to understand
The most happiest person is soo badly broken inside
And everyone has a melancholic story which they never narrated..
If life is a mirror people in it are farer than they appear ,
Scars are deeper than it seem to be,
Reality is Cruel than we imagine,
Time is shorter than we predict,
World is smaller than the groups fighting for it,
Mood swings are only inside your head,
Misery is also an emotion,
And happiness is just an optical illusion.
Considering this,
For atleast once you should be your priority,
And experience the feel of being prioritised atleast by yourself.
That feeling is addictive,
May be with time you might even love it.
May be that is when you’ll understand everything comes only after you,
May be that’s maturity,
Atleast then you’ll decide to change yourself,
Not to adapt to changes or your society, but just to make sure you aren’t hurt and broken as much you’re now.
Please that’s an humble request ,
Value your own existence,
because you’re important,
And only you can set yourself right.

A note to self
Your reckless consciousness.


From an Engineer to a Medico 

‘Multiple integral calculi,’ the blackboard read.
I saw a familiar face explaining unfamiliar concepts with a blank stare.

Craving to return to my real passion and live them at least once.

I realized how much I’d started to hate math unlike in school.

‘Wheee’ I saw myself sloping down from my dreams on that haphazard integral symbol.

I felt like a loser for giving up on something I wanted to do all my life just because I failed in the first attempt.

How did I let it go?

Why did my determination hibernate?

Thinking of why I made the decision which brought me there?

Into an engineering college of all places.

It wasn’t about the college.

It was about passion.

I never hated engineering, but I didn’t love it either.

It was a scientific art, but just not my type.

I loved physics after biology which made me choose electronics, but the curriculum was different unlike how it was portrayed on the outside.

Working on something without purpose killed me deep inside.

I wasn’t happy, couldn’t fake it either.

I went to college because I had to.

I tried learning because I was asked.

I had failed in finding any personal connection with my course.

Practicals! Programming! Lectures! IV!

Everything was boring except for a few friends I had made, cute puppies in the campus and morning coffee in the cafeteria.

The literary & debating clubs kept me excited, but just for few months.

I used to wake up, go to college, regret everything.

Tried to sleep, before I could, I woke up again.

Life was such a big question mark.

Will it be the same forever? No, It wasn’t.

But It became more painful! You know why?

I stopped doing what I didn’t love and started working on my passion.

In the middle of the 3rd semester after so many hardships, I cleared the entrance test and finally got to study what I wanted to.

Giving up a year or two, quitting something to conquer your desires isn’t a big deal in the journey of life, is it?

It was a tough start to another difficult journey.

That’s how I stopped wearing the lab coat as an engineer and started wearing them as a medico.


Nirosha Shanmugam.

Edited by 

Sairam santhosh.

Unfathomable end

As the sun transpires into our room 

I woke up this morning, 

I felt you scanning my hair with your fingers and the warmth of your hug which still linger,

As I Rolled to the other side of the bed and reached for you,

You weren’t there, 

Now what will i do ? 

Your voice that said “To love is to share life together” is no more here, 

It keeps echoing on the walls of your empty room

The beauty of those words and language you elegantly whispered into my ears.

Those news paper are neat and unopened shattered dead on the floor, 

The air is devoid of Your sweaty socks smell which is still lying near the door 

The sticky note you’ve stuck “keep smiling” looks at me with despair.

Your shirts belts and watches are thrown everywhere,

Everything you used rests the way you’ve left,

But You deliberately slipt away.

Sighing and sobbing at our pictures, 

The weep,The infinite wait and unfathomable silence that escorts .

Will never forget life’s last sight,

as your head laid one side as your neck lacked support turning pale and then blue.

I miss you for yourself,Your smile,sense of humour and everything I fell in love with you .

Your memories ! traps me down into lonely limelight 

And i cook for myself daily without appetite;

Taking the monthly bills even when I’m not good with managing time,

Changing every finance accounts from your name to mine.

Since the day you got my hand, I’ve felt safe and secured in any unknown land,

But now your void intensify my insecurities and  sheds me down.

Few stranger’s eyes question my identity to validate  if my sprit drown?
When i tell those lively moments of us to people, 

And go on referring “My Husband” in the past tense without an explanation. 

And perceive that they understood as their faces explains a sign of sympathy which i never appreciate neither expect.

I don’t cry as much as you’ve seen me before because i know you don’t like when my eyes swells up and if tears flow.

I’ve told you many times I can’t live without you ,

but now you’re teaching me how to .

Now I’m Holding on to few dropslets of ink memories and your confidence in me , to face the reality of life.

Out of melancholic adornment  i wonder you came into my life just to make me pen down situations and emotions that I’ve never experienced before.

Like someone once said . 

Together or alone Life has to move on 


Nirosha Shanmugam 

Conversations and beyond 

​It all started with a text ! A random group message regarding a public issue.  

We never realised that we’ve seen each other before neither we never forecasted the kind of friendship that was waiting to be built . 

As days passed with Usual random texts 

We discovered something similar between us ,

It’s the ability to converse!

The ability to appreciate ; to listen and then speak

To hold intense talks for hours at times even for an entire day, revolving various  perceptions about the same thing which doesn’t happen with everyone that to in a very short span of time .

No matter how much we talk we still had something else to narrate interrogate and convey , without even a tinge of being judged.

The several layers of personality was obliterated and the genuine inner self was exposed. 

Infinitely complex and extremely difficult language of mind was broken down into words .

Words that binds immense value and importance to one another, including a wide span of universe. 

We’ve spoke about Books ,

Roadside Food ,

Travelling around the world with empty pockets,

About heart breaks and blood flowing in and out of it,

Cruel insecurities , random fear of loosing someone.

Ranting for three hours in coffee shop even when the Irish coffee tasted bad.

Illusive undefined dreams, Ideologies about future which was just a fact and nothing better. 

Confessing the burnt inner side without giving a chance to hurt each other .

Personally never felt soo comfortable talking about oneself to someone else.

We’ve made lengthy conversations that is worth rereading several times, which will still make you smile or over think and not cry.

It apparently looks as if someone had dropped this creature from heaven with same tastes and interests.

Someone popped up in life just to make you feel a little better about yourself ,To remind you how far you’ve traveled and the distance still left to be explored. 

Someone worth treasuring against all odds,

Someone who is worth our time and memories,

Someone who truely wants to know you more, The Inevitable inner self.

Like a Luminous shade and gentle breeze to infuse harmony in life that you wonder ” Afterall these days where on earth were you ” 

Now all that I ask for is , 

Even though moving apart is never possible

the fear is always there ,

Unlike other stories let this not have a catastrophic conclusion.


Nirosha Shanmugam 

Engineering is not my thing! 

Things seemed soo confusing,  i wasn’t clear about my future nor i don’t know what’s going on Today. 

My past was a Bermuda triangle,  My life decisions were never mine ,I was always influenced by my family’s perception and it’s financial status before i could even afford to think.

At 3 am here, being the most spiritually person ever! Praying Gods from parallel universe;

Sitting in front of my laptop screen waiting for the university server to open so i could see my results. 

At the end of sixth  semester i don’t remember any of my engineering subjects except my register number. 

Fifteen arrears and six current papers 

all that i wish is, I should clear atleast half of them.

As the server opened i found out it turned into an even number eighteen, not bad though. 

Engineering was never my thing,

That was the only option left because all that my parents saw was fancy placements, irrelevant to the department’s core which was offered to every student in that college.

In my college life All that i did was writing stories under the big tree in my campus , Yes my dream of becoming a writer was  still an unacceptable fire inside me. 

Mom threw my scripts into the dustbin.

Dad stoped funding my novels.

But Nothing stopped me, i digitalized them.

Finally Stood for my decision against my family.

I didn’t expect financial input from my parents

All that i wished , A moral support from them 

Is that too much too ask for ?

Then Came out of my comfort zone , searched for jobs on road wandering like a dog.

Did small jobs to earn my living 

Then Started working in a bookstall,  was paid less but 

Most happiest job ever . Had enough time to draft the chapters that i wrote out of my own experience. 

Met a lot of people learnt lessons for life which my university failed to educate.

After 3 years today , it feels like a movie to relive those moments as i prepare my speech backstage for the success meet of my second book 

” lost in Engineering ”

Afterall in India many of them who wanted to follow their passion are either dropouts like me or a profesionate who work in another field with a default engineering degree.


Nirosha Shanmugam 

I’ve seen you ! But I don’t know You !

Should I smile ? 

Or not ? 

She didn’t bother,  so why should I ? .

Well let me  just walk off looking into my phone , acting busy as always” 
Is the first thing that strikes your mind 

When you make an eye contact with a well known stranger .

Someone you’ve seen quite often, but barely know the real them .

Someone from your apartment ;

your class mate or  your colleague from other team .

They’ve been our daily passerby 

whom we now remarkably remember. 

I just wonder, 

We meet several times a day in the food court,

in the lawn,

Near the sides of the arcades,

In the bus stop,

She walks past just next to me everytime,  

I’m pretty sure she notices my existence too .

It’s been months together 

But still 

I don’t know 

How her voice sounds !

Well ! not even her name.

Everytime we hesitate to  put up a little smile and acknowledge the fact that we know each other.

I know it’s rude to look straight into someone’s eyes and give that ” I Ignore you ” sigh  , 

But we couldn’t afford to talk on a comman aspect. 

In a world full of strangers with memories,  we also come across familiar newcomers and feel that we’ve known them for years.

It’s like Deja vu meeting Jamais vu ,

asking you to think about your life from previous births.

We’ve already seen each other 

but we haven’t

or atleast 

we aren’t still sure. 


Nirosha Shanmugam 

An unknown  trace of consciousness. 

I’m running short of words to explain how I feel every day. 

It was not just a headache which stayed longer than usual or the aftermath of another bad day; it was intense.

Darkness was my color. I was sad without a reason.

Sometimes I didn’t feel anything at all, not even despair.

Totally sleep deprived! All My failures flashed before my eyes all throughout the night, even though I’m pretty used to downfalls I couldn’t come over it.

I brought out the side of some people which I never wanted to see; maybe it’s my mistake as usual. 

Just to make sure that my state of mind shouldn’t suck the peace and serenity out of them,

I slowly moved away from my friends and family later completely sorted them out.

I lived in slow motion! Nothing was in my control.

I couldn’t even cry, and I never thought my beloved profession would put me into this indescribable state of living. 

Simple tasks became painful to me, even eating food and getting up from my bed.

My baths were longer than before, kept thinking about nothing.

Music and long walks on the beach had some healing, but it was just temporary. 

I suddenly felt dynamic, an instantaneous obsession to go out travel and meet new people. 

All I wanted is to escape reality, but all these proposals lasted only for few hours, later everything disappeared again into my melancholic adornment. 

Days nights and seasons had no influence over me.

A person with so many ambitions, plans for ten years from then, someone who advises his friends on positivity treated himself like a looser.

I never knew why? Couldn’t find a convincing reason too.

My fear of losing her, slowly destroyed our relationship too.

My siblings never realized my existence.

I wasn’t successful in life.

All I’ve experienced is an impeccable pain inside the walls of loneliness. 

Before my death could figure out what was going on with me, I discovered a name for this state of mind; I was diagnosed with depression. 

I’m I responsible for the situations that my brain put me through without letting my consciousness to know even a trace of it.


Nirosha Shanmugam